How to defend your personal boundaries
Personal boundaries are needed so that we can clearly feel: where I am, and where I am not; where are my own emotions, actions, beliefs and thoughts, and where are others.
Why is it hard for us to talk about our personal boundaries?
There is a big difference between mental health and mental health. Psychologists say that only 5-10% of the entire population is healthy. The other 5% are “real psychos” (schizophrenics, for example), and, as a rule, are treated for years in clinics.
The rest of the population is divided into neurotics and people with one or another personality disorder. Based on this, the likelihood that you and I are a little “that” is very high. As a rule, everything comes from childhood. So what are the blocks that prevent us from respecting our boundaries?
- Hypertrophied feelings such as shame and guilt. In this case, it is easier for you to endure inconvenience to the detriment of yourself (and quarter the object of irritation in your thoughts) than to correctly express your dissatisfaction.
- Containment of anger. Anger is an absolutely adequate emotion of any animal, including humans. Therefore, one way or another, this emotion will be expressed. And then the choice is yours: either you show it in a measured and correct way in the form of a little discontent, indignation, irritation. Or you hold back until it leads to outright aggression. (and not always on the guilty person). When your anger has accumulated excessively, you yourself begin to push the other person. This is not very correct.
Anger is an indicator that someone is breaking your boundaries. Do not suppress this feeling in yourself. On the contrary, analyze it and express it in a correct and confident manner.
It’s not always worth complaining
If the person who violates your boundaries does not require personal contact from you, then it would be wiser to leave, move away. I’m talking about examples like a bad-smelling citizen on public transport, a city crazy, or a drunken company with loud music from a speaker. Agree – there is no point in wasting energy and nerves on unnecessary conflicts in this case.
If the person achieves your reaction, and this does not suit you, then in this case it is appropriate to build boundaries. How to do this while respecting both yourself and him? Let’s figure it out.
1) Indicate the fact of what happened (actions or words of a person who violated your personal boundaries). Do not give any assessment of the situation.
2) Tell us about the emotions that you experienced while doing this.
3) Ask the person how he could behave next time so that this situation does not happen again.
Once my mother came to visit me. While I was at work, my mother cleaned the apartment. Rearranged some of my personal belongings. Despite the fact that she did it solely with the best intentions, the effect was exactly the opposite. Since this was a complete violation of my personal space. We were all brought up differently. Therefore, no one can guess what you like and what you don’t ( not even your mom) . We need to talk about this. But we are often ashamed to express our feelings frankly, which leads to anger and cold war.
In such a situation, you should say something like: “Beloved mother, thank you for your concern. But I am not very pleased when someone delves into my things while I am away. Even if we are talking about someone as dear and close as you. This violates my beliefs about my personal life. I feel uncomfortable. Please ask my permission next time. “
Method 2. Refusal
Reasonably refuse a person. While not succumbing to provocations, blackmail or manipulation. If the request to you goes against your peace of mind, continue to refuse and explain the reason for the refusal until you are left alone. (like a worn-out record). The more pressure on you, the more you use the force of reaction. If this pressure continues, just leave the conversation.
Easier said than done? Oh yeah! Especially if we are not talking about a stranger, but, for example, about someone whom you hold dear.
Do not misunderstand me. Personal boundaries should not be confused with outright uncompromising selfishness. Personal boundaries are the limit that you specifically cannot tolerate in view of your beliefs, and even complexes. You shouldn’t be ashamed to talk about them.
A friend asks you if she could come to visit with her dog. You don’t want wool everywhere in your house – you don’t like it. You tell her about it. You argue that, they say, the house is new, that if you yourself have a dog, it will live on the street. A friend may be offended, say what kind of friend are you? You explain once again that it will be unpleasant for you, that you do not want wool in the house, and no matter what she tells you, you, unfortunately, really cannot give in in this situation. Etc.
That is, continue to bend your line according to the principle of the “worn-out record” until this dialogue survives itself. And remember that this is not arrogance or selfishness. These are your personal boundaries. You are entitled to them.
Method 3. Threat
This method is used as a last resort. When the measure of pressure on you and your inner feelings reaches an extreme point. That is, initially you do the same as in the previous paragraphs: imagine a fact, say WHAT you are experiencing, say WHY you don’t like it, ask not to do it.
If, repeating the request over and over again, the person does not back down, then a specific threat should be presented. And, as a last resort, to fulfill it.
A film based on real events surrounding the FOX News trial has recently been released . In connection with this sensational scandal, we will give the following example. The boss offers the subordinate sexual relations in exchange for a promotion. You say no, explain the reason for your refusal. If the situation comes to blackmail or manipulation, then you should put a specific threat that you are going to carry out if the pressure on you does not stop (dismissal, complaint or appeal to the police).
Someone will always encroach on our borders, as, in other matters, and we ourselves will probe the boundaries of what is permissible in relation to others. This is a common way of communication in society. The main thing is to always try to find a balance in respect for yourself and others.